In this episode of Rena Malik, M.D., Dr. Rena Malik engages in an insightful conversation with Dr. Kate Balestrieri about the ...

will-porn-destroy-your-relationship-and-sex-life-sex-therapist-weighs-in

Will Porn Destroy Your Relationship and Sex Life? Sex Therapist Weighs In

what do you think about porn use in relationships and um and in in outside of relationships I think erotic material whether we're talking about like very mainstream porn that's available for free online or um paid pornography written erotica audio erotica like there is a lot of benefit that can come from being able to access erotic media like human beings have had porn since human beings were human beings yeah so this is nothing new but the way that we have it so accessible to us today is definitely a recent development in our Arc of humanity so I think we could be a little bit more present and conscious with how we consume it why we consume it what we're getting out of it how we make it um but porn will always reflect whatever is in the collective unconscious of the Zeitgeist so what we see in porn is is not porn's fault right it's our fault because we want it because we want to some degree exactly it's being watched so they keep making it exactly yeah they're they're wild yeah so I think it's I think it's got lots of things that we could do better and learn from and and of course it has a lot of perks and benefits in relationships and outside of relationships yeah I think some of the things like porn is meant to be just entertainment so some of those things are really probably not appropriate like there's a lot of like sibling intercourse porn and stuff like that's that's not appropriate right so we know that there's like genetic abnormalities when you um have intercourse and get have a baby with a with someone who blood related so that's the reason that's just not appropriate um and so those sorts of things are like you know maybe it allows you to have a fantasy but not necessarily something you would ever act out well here's a throwback to the conversation we were just having about fantasies right more often than not people do not want to be sexual with their siblings or their step siblings or their step parent like which are very common themes in mainstream porn what they're actually really turned on by is the taboo of it all it's naughty it's not supposed to be happening so they're not even excited about the sibling sex they're excited about the fact that it's something they shouldn't be watching yeah so interestingly a lot this comes up a lot in some groups I'm on with other you know women my age who have are in long-term relationships and they look at porn as cheating and um I don't hold that viewpoint but I think it's something you have to discuss with your partner how do you deal with that when someone maybe a couple comes to you and one partner feels like porn is cheating and then maybe the next step would be like going to a strip club is cheating MH yeah I think every partnership has its own Fidelity agreements and when you're setting those Fidelity agreements it is really important to be curious about why something is like it would be dangerous to the partnership cuz I think a lot of the time we get into relationship and we expect the relationship to Define us in a certain way and so when we conflate the health of our relationship with our Identity or The Way We Believe ourselves to be viewed and seen in the world that's when we start to get extra controlling around what's happening in that relationship but I think there's a lot of Merit to the concerns that some people have when their partner is distracted in the relationship by something else like porn or going to strip clubs and if they're not able to prioritize that Intimacy in their partnership then it does feel like a third that's getting in the way and it's understandable and I would have the same concerns if it were golf or if it were knitting or if it were watching Star Wars every Saturday like what is happening that your your intimacy is getting deprioritized what is that about and I think when couples get to a place where they can understand that then it is easier to make room for some things like porn or you know other kinds of experiences that may have felt really threatening before so I think really understanding why you find that threatening and why the other person is using it and making space for like okay maybe it's not so in some cases maybe it's not so threatening to your relationship but you have some insecurities about it and other times maybe it really is threatening because they're prioritizing that over beinging with you MH so yeah I think that's really important that comes up all the time it does it really does but but I think that also reflects a lot of like Purity culture values that a lot of folks take into relationship with them like we are now responsible for each other's sexual well-being and like that is a lot of pressure that's a lot and a lot of yeah that's a lot of like confinement and it's not realistic to police your partner's fantasies in fact it's really unhealthy yeah like what if they fantasized about someone else it doesn't mean anything about your relationship doesn't no I fantasize about so many things same and so many people yeah and my partner and I are able to talk about that and we kind of laugh about it and he does the same thing you know yeah I think that's uh really important and realizing like we don't expect our partners to be everything to us like they don't we don't expect them to be our girlfriend that go shopping with us we don't expect our partner to be um the person we gossip with you know like we have different people for different parts of life and we have them for a part of our sexuality but that doesn't mean that they have to be all of our sexuality and like looking at other people or or watching pornography and maybe even going to strip club may not be a negative thing for that person it may just be an expression of their sexuality but they still prioritize you and want you as their their sexual partner right but again realizing within your own relationship context what that means for them is really important cuz sometimes it could be that they're doing this and they prefer this over being with you and then that's a problem yeah well and it also can sometimes exacerbate like other Dynamics going on in the relationship like if someone is watching a lot of porn or they're going to strip club and they're coming home to their partner and they're saying well you don't do these things and you don't look like that you know that's really problematic behavior and it and I would say in fact that it's not the the strip club or the porn that is causing the problem it's the partnership and and the attitude there that is happening yeah right the entitlement that's happening do you think people can forgive a partner who's cheated sure yeah yeah I said that really enthusiastically no they can it it's it can take a lot of work but but yeah I've seen a lot of Partnerships not only survive in Fidelity but become so much stronger and so much more connected because they've understood that the infidelity is a symptom of something and they've been able to look at it and and investigate it together and use it as fod to grow closer yeah do you think the adage wants a cheater always a cheater do you think that's true no I think for some people like there definitely is an ingrained um expectation that they should be able to do whatever they want there's a lot of entitlement for some folks but that's not always the case and that's not always what drives infidelity so I think we have to look at people's int psychic organization as well as what's happening interpersonally and and think about like the Gestalt of who they are and and who they are as partners yeah I think that's really important I've actually seen some of my friends survive infidelity and have much stronger relationships for it but it's interesting like I said I'm in these groups where somebody will say my partner cheated on me should I leave them or him or whatever and the almost always gut reaction as yes from 90% of the people and I think that can be really damaging sometimes because sometimes there's a lot there that's worth saving and I I've heard you say this before sex therapy is a lot cheaper than a divorce this is sort of one of the places where you can use Sex Therapy but what are other flags or signs that people should be like hey you know what we might benefit from Sex Therapy yeah well I I well I'm biased obviously right because this is what I do for a living but I'm also such a champion of therapy in general I think that therapy and Sex Therapy can be great proactive steps to take to really sit down if you have the time and the resources to do it of course not everyone does but I think they can be really really important proactive places to talk about these things because as you said earlier we're not taught how to talk about sex and a lot of folks go into their long-term Partnerships with a lot of expectations about what sex should and should not look like and I'm using those shoulds because they're are often these scripts that don't really make much sense for their realities so I think Sex Therapy is a great place for you and your partner to talk about like what do we want what does sex mean to us how do we negotiate it how do we experience it how can we develop it more um what are what are the dimensions of sex for us so that's one approach um but a lot of folks come to Sex Therapy because of infidelity um but also because their bodies aren't acting the way they want them to so retile dysfunction or early ejaculation or difficult time with having an orgasm or a delayed orgasm pain during penetration or sex so I think it can be a place to address a concern it can also be a place to become more expansive so a lot of folks start out in Sex Therapy because they want to get kinky they don't know what it means about them it doesn't mean anything about you by the way it's just something you want to try and that's great just play just play just play it means that you're you're adventurous I love that for you let's talk about it um so they want to explore Kink or they want to open a relationship or get into non- monogamy in some way so I think it's it's a place where people can have the conversations about sex that they've never been able to have before and step into a completely different relationship with sexuality yeah I will say that I think every person with any sexual problem whether it's like you mentioned erectile dysfunction pain with sex any of those things even when they have a biologic problem right like they have blood flow problem or they have a problem with their pelvic floor any sort of ideology that might be causing this problem I tell everyone you can benefit from Sex Therapy because when you have a problem with sex your brain starts ruminating starts stressing starts catastrophizing about that issue and brings it to every sexual encounter and so I tell everybody like if you have the time and the means please see a sex IST I will help you find one like you know because I think it's so so important and so so valuable and I wish one of my goals in life is to make this sort of thing very accessible to people because I'm like if everyone had access to Affordable Sex Therapy like I think the world would be a better place oh my gosh 100% yeah because not only do we take those problems into every sexual experience that we have a lot of the time they bleed into other parts of our nonsexual lives too if someone's feeling insecure about erectile dysfunction or early ejaculation that may be having them question their confidence in general and that can bleed into their work life into their friendships into their romantic relationship even into like things like road rage right like our sex is integrated into who we are and so when there's something that feels wonky there it can it can have pretty big effects in every other part of our Lives it's pervasive yeah let's talk a little bit about early ejaculation I got a lot of questions about early ejaculation and delay ejaculation now there are some biologic causes of this but I think there's a lot of value in Sex Therapy around these things so tell us how you deal with those issues well it really depends on what is the underlying cause for someone but a lot of the time if there's not a biological explanation for what's happening there is typically uh a disconnect between mind and body and that person needs some coaching and some experience to help them learn different exercises is to recognize the Arc of inevitability in in their body and pay attention to it closer and learn how to activate their body and their pelvic floor muscles and different things in different ways so that they can slow themselves down before they reach that point of inevitability and and really that's about building up that mindbody connection and becoming more present more interoceptive so perceptive of your internal cues and being being able to like you know get out of your head and into your body more mhm it's a big problem it's very stressful I mean all of these issues are very very stressful for anyone dealing with sexual dysfunction I mean the the the stress I mean we sort of talked about this but the trauma it even causes right like it can be deep-seated Trauma from having bad experiences in the past and that needs to be worked through as well MH yeah

Dr.

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